Like so many journeys, mine begins with a story. A story about a boy who so desperately wanted people to like him. He would see how his father could capture people’s attention with his stories, wisdom and humour…he wanted to be like that too. What he didn’t realize at first was he most wanted his father to see and like him too. Like any adoring son, he would mimic his father’s behaviours, mannerisms and tell the same stories and jokes. To his friends, it just seemed weird and the stories would be obvious lies since no little boy would have had the same experiences as his father. To his father, it became annoying and frustrating.
To further complicate things for this boy, he had a condition (unknown and misunderstood at the time) that crippled his ability to regulate his emotions which lead to frequent outbursts of rage or inconsolable crying. Not so obvious at that time, his father had the same challenges. At home, this challenge would lead to outbursts directed at his parents who would often respond with physical discipline to the extent which left hand prints on his face or welts from a belt or switch made from a branch. Anger was an emotion he lacked control of and in response to his discipline, he would get angry…this would escalated the discipline. At school or in peer situations, the boy’s behaviour would nearly always catch the attention of the bullies who would see an easy target to display their power or teachers who thrived on discipline or control and had little patience for mouthy little boys.
This ‘condition’ also meant that tasks which were monotonous and boring to him, would be subject to anything and everything he could do not to complete them. This led to assumptions of laziness and irresponsibility. Report cards included notes that read “does not apply himself.” At home, it led to consequences which ranged from physical discipline to loss of privileges or withdrawn love and attention. Regardless of the consequence received, it nearly always accompanied a biting commentary on the boy’s responsibility or work ethic. Both of which appeared to be clearly valued but were, if witnessed, rarely acknowledged or celebrated.
At school, it meant grades reflected not what this boy knew and understood, but, how well he would (or would not) remember and regurgitate to the teachers. Any classes or subjects which he enjoyed or had a talent for, he would excel. Variations in his grades would only serve as evidence to his parents and teachers he was choosing not to “apply” himself. In those subjects or tasks he underperformed, it was concluded he was not motivated to do well. It was never concluded he, like any child, was in fact motivated to do well, but, he could not do well…that something must be getting the way.
Relationships with peers in younger years saw him bouncing from friendship to friendship as constant bullying painted him as ‘undesirable’ or an instant pass to getting bullied too. As he began to learn coping mechanisms and develop social skills, as a teenager, he began to experience more success with social interactions and even have a few ‘best friends’ which stayed with him until he graduated University. It was rare, however, to have a steady girlfriend until he met his, now, current wife. For whatever reason she saw something in him that gave her the ability to withstand his tumultuous emotional swings and his inability to regulate his emotions.
Emotional dysregulation made parenting difficult for him too. He would be challenged by his own son who had the same tendencies and emotional dysregulation as he. This created great challenges not to discipline his own children in the manner his parents disciplined him. While it could be said he did better than his parents, he still would resort to similar tactics and he knew this created scars for his own children too.
As it turned out, his ability to learn and adapt quickly made him successful at jobs related to technology. He loved computers and what they could do and it was easy for him to learn how they worked and how to resolve issues. He was able to excel at a management career in technology so much so that he never actually applied for jobs as opportunities simply came to him. It got him the validation he wanted, but, it created dissonance of purpose because he was not passionate about technology.
So, now the story turns to an adult who found himself lost and wondering if he was ever worthy of a life he dreamed about. He had succeeded to an upper management level within an organization of 2,000 people, 150 offices and managed a staff of 32. For so long, this was what he wanted…or thought he wanted. What was wrong? This is where the journey began for him. He walked away from the career and started his own consulting firm to be able to still earn income in a field he had experience and success while maintaining the flexibility to travel this journey. Part of the journey has been discovering what works for him and writing about it. Perhaps, this part of his journey will end up in somebody else’s journey.
